Mood:Thinking
Song of Choice: "Broken" by 12 Stone
Topic: Where's the point?
You know I wrote this long blog entry yesterday and then blogger ate it...I was so mad but that was yesterday this is today I guess I need to kinda write about a few different things.
Thanks to all of you for your father comfort. Everyone had something really valid to say. But I'm still kinda angry about it all to tell the truth. I mean how do I say it. haha um my dad lied to me recently about something that was kinda important to me and I about blew a gasket. I mean...really it isn't fair.
I mean like some of you have aunts and cousins and all sorts of family pretty near by and my mom has always tried to teach me that family comes before anything but I truly don't believe that. You see...my father's side of the family has never once helped us they've always been an insane burden...and my mother's side can help when they want something...but I have no strong sense of love for any of them and they sure as hell don't like me too much. My cousins hate me because I'm so young but so serious or that's what they say. But i just can't loosen up around people I don't really know. And my aunts are forever critisizing my way. They say I act like a man that I should be more femine that I should help in the kitchen instead of watching the men play dominoes outside...but I am the way I am for a reason...I'll explain that in a minute.
You see...my mom has always told me that family will be the one to help me when I need it...but I swear that I'd rather stick it out for myself then ask them for help. My mom yelled at me once because she was talking about my cousin and I wasn't listening because I didn't care and I told her that before she even started the story. Then she said that one day I'm going to need that cousin and I'm gonna feel guilty about the way I acted. I wanted to tell her that no if I'm ever in trouble I would go to Peter. I feel safer with Peter than almost all of my family. Peter was the older brother that I always wanted but didn't have kinda like a stand in Papa lol. But I have no problem going to Peter and being like...dude I'm living in a cardboard box can I at least get some Ramen? Peter is family to me Peter is worth more than blood because Peter has been there for me when I needed him most. Junior and Geimer as well but most of all Peter. I just kinda want to know about me but if it involves my dad lying i don't want to know I want to live in the dark and forge my exsistance for myself thank you.
Anyway but I found out on Sunday why things have happened to me and why I am the way I am. Jonnell was upset and me and Lisette were with some friends(Dan and Ramon) and when I explain to Dan what was happening he told me to go to her (with or without his understanding I was going but I was glad he understood). Anyway when we got there Jonnell answered the door and she had this look on her face and I just threw the screen door open and held her and she started to cry. To this day I still believe that holding someone when they cry is the 2nd hardest thing in the world...Holding strong to 1st is the death of my grandfather. Anyway I found out why I have small breasts and why I'm tall. I'm tall so I can serve as kind of a stand in boyfriend I guess(I'm a gay man traped in a womans body...Peter you got gypted) When I held Jonnell she came right to my chest and then there's the reason I have a small chest. it would be hard to hold her tight if I had large breasts I think. Plus it would kinda kill the boy illusion. It's weird that I didn't get it until now.
Then I think I figured out why I've had some rough times. You see sitting on Jonnell's bedroom floor trying to cheer her up I realized that I would be of no use if I hadn't been were she has been. Like if my life had been flawless I wouldn't be able to help anyone. Like if I wasn't somewhat damaged goods then I wouldn't be worth anything you know? Hmm it wasn't thankfulness for bad times...just a little understanding and acceptance.
So if I'm more of an aid broken then hell no one try and fix me okay! I want to keep helping people as much as I can. So yeah...I think I understand myself a little better.
Bye
Kim
Song of Choice: "Broken" by 12 Stone
Topic: Where's the point?
You know I wrote this long blog entry yesterday and then blogger ate it...I was so mad but that was yesterday this is today I guess I need to kinda write about a few different things.
Thanks to all of you for your father comfort. Everyone had something really valid to say. But I'm still kinda angry about it all to tell the truth. I mean how do I say it. haha um my dad lied to me recently about something that was kinda important to me and I about blew a gasket. I mean...really it isn't fair.
I mean like some of you have aunts and cousins and all sorts of family pretty near by and my mom has always tried to teach me that family comes before anything but I truly don't believe that. You see...my father's side of the family has never once helped us they've always been an insane burden...and my mother's side can help when they want something...but I have no strong sense of love for any of them and they sure as hell don't like me too much. My cousins hate me because I'm so young but so serious or that's what they say. But i just can't loosen up around people I don't really know. And my aunts are forever critisizing my way. They say I act like a man that I should be more femine that I should help in the kitchen instead of watching the men play dominoes outside...but I am the way I am for a reason...I'll explain that in a minute.
You see...my mom has always told me that family will be the one to help me when I need it...but I swear that I'd rather stick it out for myself then ask them for help. My mom yelled at me once because she was talking about my cousin and I wasn't listening because I didn't care and I told her that before she even started the story. Then she said that one day I'm going to need that cousin and I'm gonna feel guilty about the way I acted. I wanted to tell her that no if I'm ever in trouble I would go to Peter. I feel safer with Peter than almost all of my family. Peter was the older brother that I always wanted but didn't have kinda like a stand in Papa lol. But I have no problem going to Peter and being like...dude I'm living in a cardboard box can I at least get some Ramen? Peter is family to me Peter is worth more than blood because Peter has been there for me when I needed him most. Junior and Geimer as well but most of all Peter. I just kinda want to know about me but if it involves my dad lying i don't want to know I want to live in the dark and forge my exsistance for myself thank you.
Anyway but I found out on Sunday why things have happened to me and why I am the way I am. Jonnell was upset and me and Lisette were with some friends(Dan and Ramon) and when I explain to Dan what was happening he told me to go to her (with or without his understanding I was going but I was glad he understood). Anyway when we got there Jonnell answered the door and she had this look on her face and I just threw the screen door open and held her and she started to cry. To this day I still believe that holding someone when they cry is the 2nd hardest thing in the world...Holding strong to 1st is the death of my grandfather. Anyway I found out why I have small breasts and why I'm tall. I'm tall so I can serve as kind of a stand in boyfriend I guess(I'm a gay man traped in a womans body...Peter you got gypted) When I held Jonnell she came right to my chest and then there's the reason I have a small chest. it would be hard to hold her tight if I had large breasts I think. Plus it would kinda kill the boy illusion. It's weird that I didn't get it until now.
Then I think I figured out why I've had some rough times. You see sitting on Jonnell's bedroom floor trying to cheer her up I realized that I would be of no use if I hadn't been were she has been. Like if my life had been flawless I wouldn't be able to help anyone. Like if I wasn't somewhat damaged goods then I wouldn't be worth anything you know? Hmm it wasn't thankfulness for bad times...just a little understanding and acceptance.
So if I'm more of an aid broken then hell no one try and fix me okay! I want to keep helping people as much as I can. So yeah...I think I understand myself a little better.
Bye
Kim
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